Blida Department of English: Free Stand to Stand Free
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Blida Department of English: Free Stand to Stand Free
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Post by Hush on Mon Jul 19, 2010 3:08 pm

It would have been great if someone told me about that before, since I knew about it but from some friends and in here, so how can I be a member of the "jury" whereas nobody asked me or us about if we are able to do that or not?! So please next time just inform before taking any decisions so that you won't say people let you down, we let someone down when we promiss and we don't keep the promise not when people take decisions in our place and then blame us for not doing something!
Anyway, I'll try to comment the stories as far as I can, knowing that it's not judging, since literature can't be judged, all what I can do is give the point of view of a the reader I am. Something else, we can't have a better writer than another but we have preferences, it depends on people, you can't oblige me to like strawberries or to say apple pie is better than apples since all are fruit and your stories are a fruit no matter what will the other think about it. If you're writing for recognition you will definately fail, think of literature as your secret, something strage and beautiful only a few can access. I wish you all continuation and may Allah bless you all


He was one of them!

It was one Sunday morning of the year 1995, the morning that shocked and tore Hasniya village apart and plunged it into heartbreaks, sorrows, and woes (avoid exaggeration). Earlier that deceiving night, it was matter of destiny combined with Allah’s will that the whole small village rose to wed Salem to Khawla, a loving couple and the pride of their families. That night, the darkness seemed to take over the daylight so early, you could see a one single star hung on that thick blanket shining feebly.

Now, to begin with, (
that’s not an essay, literary texts are based on suggestion and allusion so don’t write to begin with) Hasniya village is not of a great importance. It’s mainly a rural village situated between two great mountains, a pretty extended field that seasonal and yearly crops grow in there. The life there, is just as simple as its people don’t indulge themselves into the complexity of the twenty (twentieth) century.

During the
(elide the) dinner time of Salem & (and) Khawla wedding , there was a rumor flying in the air that said that (the) authorities has (have) discovered lately that “Tayeb was one of them” . Although the occasion was to cheer up and forget, away from the suffering of the daily life, the people seemed unready to stop chewing the rumor of uncertainty, all the people under the awning, scattered in groups of two and three men, having prepared themselves for dinner, made from the rumor an entrée before dinner in between times (redundancy). All the faces after hearing that “Tayeb was one of them” turned ghastly pale. Some people desperately trying to revive the faces and paint some joy on them, came hardly with false smiles. Many of the presents jawing the rumor, worked their minds to figure out how could the Tayeb , the mild, the calm, the considerate and the beloved of the whole small village join such (a) group. They made endless calculations, and gave series of probabilities and maybes to come out with a slight explanation, but their minds repeatedly trying to do so, burnt eventually.

When destiny runs against the will, it becomes confusingly hard to understand the intricacies of life, as though they paralyze the mind and go beyond it. Tayeb, with all what his name may signify of goodness, was the central of admiration and respect of Hasniya people. His tenderness with all the people, his wide heartwarming smile that paints serenity and peacefulness on his face , his pure and noble heart willing always to do things which benefit other people at the expense of his own interest, his naivety, his sensibility of others , his funny soul and so on, all these qualities and moralities put the mind away from any suspicion, not a mote of doubt.

Then, it was one evening when he was heading to his (
elide to his) home after a long day working in his field that the devil crossed his way. There, in top corner of the street, he saw someone mingled in the inky black night, bearing dishonesty and bad will. The man came close to Tayeb, saluted him, and then put him in between two bitter choices, whether he would follow him or his family life would be at stake. Tayeb, at the hearing of the potential death of his family and without any hesitation, gave himself up to the forces of devil.
By and by and over time , Tayeb was exposed to range of cruelties and inhumanities massacres and slays that bleed the heart , paralyze the mind, cut the breath, and take the soul (
once again exaggeration). And so, Tayeb was trained and prepared to participate in some noble mission (some + plural), as they said. Although he was expected to be ready for his first operation, he would not stain his hands.

Then, it came that deceiving night , the night when they came down from the mountain more ghouls and monsters like. They came to assassinate the serenity of night and steal the souls, they came to plant horrors and spread fears , they came to kill innocence , they came for sorrows and woes (
again). Tayeb was destined to be one of them, he was (had) to prove for them his loyalty and his hard metal , he was (had) to be taken out his pure nature, he was (had) to kill Salem and Khawla, the newly married couple (elide the newly married couple , we know it) in their bed. In quick unexpected movement, they broke the front door , burst in like spirits, took whoever soul found in there, crashed, hit, beheaded , cursed, and got out human nature. Then, they reached the newly married couple’s room in their first night, oh dear!!.......” we are here to take your souls. Tayeb, send those traitors to hell”. Tayeb ,when he listened to the order of his superior, froze in his place , gazed at the two couple (they are not two couple but a couple) in bed, he tried to call the memory back, he admitted to face his fate and not stain his hands with blood, he just wanted to keep his human nature and…..without any plan, stepped back, and ran. Accidently, there were was a group of brave armed patriots who felt already about monsters (rework this setence), they got in fire exchange with the monsters, they shot and fired, but when Tayeb was running away from shame, one patriot shot him right in his heart.

It’s morning now (
don’t tell us about the time, make it known by some elements like the sun and the movement of people) , all the small village woke on cries and screams, all the village tore( torn) apart, all the eyes drowned by tears, all the faces inked black , and all the heads down. It’s been a massacre, it’s been stealth of life, it’s been cruelty all over the village , and when destiny runs against the will, and when goodness and nobility in brightest daylight emerge to the bereaved eyes they become betrayal and dishonesty, “here is he the traitor” ,said the patriot referring to Tayeb,“ he was one of them”….

First congratulations for the work, it tackles a daring and thorny theme, I like when such themes are exposed. Yet, I will focus mainly on what I see as things to be improved (from my humble point of view). What bothered me about this story is the over exaggeration, it goes sometimes to redundancy so it’s better to fix that; one powerful metaphor is enough to do the job. It’s better also to work on the denouement and to make it come smoothly, one thing to be known is never to take the reader for a dummy, let him guess what you want to say, don’t say things like in an essay or an academic piece of writing. Focus more on the atmosphere. Hope to read you soon.
Hush
Hush

Number of posts : 529
Age : 35
Location : Dreaming land
Registration date : 2008-09-17

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Post by Hush on Mon Jul 19, 2010 3:47 pm

Algerian Orphan's Destiny



He a (omit “a”) is a humble child, living in a modest family; he’s the second boy after Boukhari. Both Boukhari and Lazhari were raised violently because their dad was so severe, and also their Mum was less tender. When Lazhari was 2 years old, suddenly his brother died because of (a) Heart Attack. The only person who was playing with and feeling safety (safe) with is now gone forever. Days passed over and Lazhari began to forget about his brother’s death, until he reached the official age of learning, 6 years old. He began studying and having new friends. He liked School better than his home because his dad was always hitting him offensively; additionally, he was always coming home lately (late) by night drunk. Lazhari was studying that the only persons that want him to be better than (omit than); are their parents, but he never felt so. Once, he decided to ask his teacher. Bravely, he said: «Sir, why don’t my parents love me as you are teaching us all the time?”. Of course the teacher was astonished and he wasn’t prepared for such audacious question, although he knows Lazhari’s situation, but he has to answer. He said:” Ehm ehm your parents love you my son, just they are busy with life problems and when you grow up you will understand that !!!”. Lazhari was always hearing his friends talking about their parents and how they help them to do the homeworks (homework is uncount), but he, not! (not sure it’s used this way)He always feeling alienation (alienated). At his 2nd year and while he was returning home, he noticed a group of people ( you’ve already used persons as plural of person so you should keep coherent) gathering around his home and also a water container beside the house, his heart started pulsing hysterically although he knows (knew) nothing about what is (was) happening. When he was close to (elide to)home, his neighbor came to him hugging deeply and saying:” Don’t be sad, now you are one of my sons” Lazhari couldn’t wait to know the reason of this weird behaviors, so he pushed the neighbor and entered home to listen to sobbing and seeing women weeping; they were around his Mum who ran to him telling:” Your dad … died” (generally we use euphemism when announcing the death of someone, so it’s unlikely to be announced this way) He was shocked, in (at) the same time he couldn’t imagine his home without men but himself! Days and nights passed through and his mother mourning had finished. She decided to marry again and she did. But the new husband denied Lazhari’s existence in (elide in) home, who (there’s a problem coordinating those two sentences)moved to his grandma Hadda to take care of him. Hadda was living alone, so it was appropriate for her to raise Lazhari. Lazhari was determined to study seriously, he was the best even (despite) all the circumstances. But (Yet,) being without care of parents allowed him (made him) to do a lot of mistakes as befriending false friends and having bad habits as smoking and humming. Parallely, (not an orthodox word) he was always dreaming to have an important job and making happy family and to make his sons live all what he missed in his life. His life was so hard; he lived all the kinds of discrimination not because he’s unable nor incompetent but because he was (a) poor orphan. But he never gave up. He got his Final Primary Exam. Then he got a job in a hens’ company while he was keeping studying in the Middle School. He got his Final Middle School Exam (B.E.M) and then he subscribed in an Educational Institute to be a teacher. He got a job being a teacher and he got married in a large house, and he had a lot of children raising them as he was hoping for. He finally realized all what he was dreaming of, despite all the obstacles he witnessed through his life.


First, congratulations for the work. What I liked about the text is the use of authentic character names; yet, what disturbed me is the end of the story. I believe it’s too simplistic (in my humble opinion), besides the concept of family in here isn’t clear and personally speaking I believe someone who didn’t have a good appraisal can’t make a good family (فاقد الشيء لا يعطيه). The one who doesn’t know what a family means can’t make a successful family. Wish you good continuation and read you soon
Hush
Hush

Number of posts : 529
Age : 35
Location : Dreaming land
Registration date : 2008-09-17

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Post by Hush on Mon Jul 19, 2010 4:28 pm

Without An Objection

I’ve always been a good person, pious son, obedient man; so why is life treating me like that? Do not I deserve a chance in my life, just one chance? What do I need to make life smile to me?. (omit the period) I’m loitering without a direction, with all those questions in my head. I cannot stop thinking about my next step. I got my Baccalaureat with a good average, I entered the college I wanted, and I studied the branche (without “e”) I dreamt of all my life. And now, I’m the person I wanted to be, I’m an architecture (architect), like I’ve always been dreaming. But after graduating, my sight has completely changed . It was not the future I expected, it was harder than I thought. I’m an architecture (architect) ……” So what?!”, that’s what I’ve heard from many people. I always say that I studied, I worked hard, my father couldn’t pay my education’s costs so I was working and studying at the same time……Where’s my reward? where’s my future?. (omit the period) I’m jobless now, after 5 years at university, working morning and evening, I’m jobless!.
“Ayman, it’s time for lunch my son.”
“Coming mother.”

We set (
sat) all around the table: me, mother, father, and my brother Amine. We were discussing my conditions and my desperate situation. “Aymen, go tomorrow to the man I told you about, he may help you in (omit in) finding a studies office to start working.”
“Yes father, ok.”. I said so just to close (
end up) the conversation; because I know that it will be like each time I try to start a work in a studies office here in the town. While that silence during lunch, someone knocked the door and Amine went to see who’s the visitor, minutes and he came back with an envelope in his hand. “It’s for you Aymen.” , he said. I took it and opened it, it was that yellow paper. I cannot run away this time. I tried to do so before but, it’s time now. Mother kept staring at me, a lot of words were in her eyes. I was reading them, at the same time I was sending messages to her. Neither me nor her could speak, I was saying to my self (myself):“I have to go mother, I need to go.”. The military service, and the two years that the study could protect me from !. Another two years from my life will (be)lost . I’m now 23 years old , I’ll be 25 after those two years.
When am I going to find a job? When am I going to get married and have children and prepare for their future? .Two weeks left, then I have to go to do my national duty. Walking on the streets like I’m saying good bye to them.

“Hey you , lost man!!”. I stopped, I knew that voice, I remember it very well. Yes, it was my childhood best friend “Salim”. Salim was a reckless boy, he didn’t get his Baccalaureat (
with “e”)and then he left studying (studies) forever. I did not recognize him, he was so different. He looked like a business man. “Salim, you are completely different, what happened in all those years?”, I asked him. “ I’ll tell you my story my friend, I could get rid of the Military service, you know your brother right? Then, I took a loan from the bank and I started my own business, that’s it friend.”. I told him my story too, how I studied and finished study and how I’m suffering to get a job and how my strong principles prevented me to have a loan like him. It’s right that Salim was a careless person in many things, but he cared about me. He used his authourity to help me getting rid of the army, not only this, he also gave me a position in his new construction project. For the first time, here I am using , finally, something I learnt at university. I was the responsible of that project, all my problems will be solved. It will perfectly improve my life conditions. I can establish a family, I can say it proudly “I’m an architecture(architect) ”. But…….. (three would be enough)still life’s irony, still the big vaccum (vacuum) between me and Salim. Even though he helped me and I’m so grateful, I’m still asking the same question “why is life so harsh?”. I know very well that Salim’s work cannot be managed without people like me. It’s my fate, his fate, the one’s fate………..cannot object.
[/center]


Congratulations for the work but frankly speaking I didn’t like the vision you had about the whole matter of studies and work. So I can’t make comments on the content except of what I already said. Technicaly speaking the biggest problem you have is “punctuation”. You should work on that and your piece will work much better. Happy to read you and hope will read more.
Hush
Hush

Number of posts : 529
Age : 35
Location : Dreaming land
Registration date : 2008-09-17

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Post by Hush on Mon Jul 19, 2010 4:59 pm

Burried (buried) dreams


"The way they're fixing their eyes (
in mine) towards me is not comforting at all!" Anis murmured while looking to the three elders on his right. They were nicely dressed and sitting to one table in one range. Their robotic behavior, their eyes' attachment on Anis and the way they were folding their arms set him perturbed. Anis was holding some papers in his shaky hands and was heading to the blackboard. He almost tripped and fell down on the way which caused more tension in the room. He finally got there and faced his audience. They were no less terrifying than the three well-organized men. In the midst of this scary gathering, a familiar sight caught Anis' attention. Her eyes sent him a coded message which he was the only one to understand it (elide it, the “which” replace “it”): "I'm very proud of you", said the "eyes". What would a man want more when he saw (sees) dropping tears on a mother's cheek. He knew it was tears of pride which was (which was) thanks to him. His father was present as well; yet, he looked much more like the three men on the right with his frowned face.

Anis, being
an only child, is a young adult of 22 years old who comes from a humble background. His parents provided him with everything he needed, even if it meant going for days without food. Anis never knew that as they could hide it so well – They trained themselves to always meet him with smiley faces in spite of the opposition of their bellies. He is now entitled to a great responsibility which is to drive his family out of misery. He is well aware of that, but is he really up to it?

Anis started explaining what his research
was all about. The jury never hesitated to stop him at every point they felt they are not sure about. Anis on the other hand, passed all their tests perfectly. He even impressed them with his smooth way of explaining. It was something which made his mother even proud and caused more tears to run down. His research was a success on several bases. It stroke down those who doubted his abilities and accused him of having myopic sights. Applause of absolute respect was loudly thrown all over the room. An overwhelming joy took over the small numbered family, as they were heading toward their humble car. They got in and drove off. Once in the high road, the father turned to the son, who was sitting in the back seat to congratulate him for his outstanding performance. However, he didn't realize that a driver on his left was trying to light a cigarette. Amazingly, the two actions took place at the same moment and somehow, both men lost control of their wheels. A loud cry from the mother preceded the inevitable crash. That was the last she uttered and the last thing they heard. It was a deadly accident that took four lives and buried so many dreams that Anis carried with him for the past 22 years.

Really hat off, that’s the kind of denouement I like. It is well-written and you made a good use of body language.

Hush
Hush

Number of posts : 529
Age : 35
Location : Dreaming land
Registration date : 2008-09-17

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Post by Hush on Mon Jul 19, 2010 5:52 pm

Under The Lemon Tree

It was two o'clock after the midnight when Rachida opened the door or her room and plodded to the kitchen. Without switching on the light, she opened the refrigerator and drank some cold water. The light of the refrigerator fell on her face to reveal a pasty, mournful face. She had a jaded look upon her as she had not slept the three last (
previous) nights. After quenching her thirst, Rachida stepped to the garden behind where she used to spend most of her time with her likes. The garden was, albeit small, plenty of trees. She sat beneath a lemon tree, which her likes called it (omit the “it”)"Rachida's tree" as she used to sit under it. She threw her head on the tree log and stared at the moon which was full as it was the middle of Ramadan, the first Ramadan Rachida spent away from her home and family. Everything in the garden was sinking in a deep hush except of the faint sound of the breeze wind shaking the branches gracefully, and the sharp constant tones sent by some grasshoppers breaking the utter silence.

It was the third month of Rachida in the nurse home, but she couldn't adjust the new life it was imposed upon her. She had many sleepless nights thinking about her life, her past and future. But those last three days were the pick of her anguish. Her mind was pregnant with many scrambled thoughts. The words she heard from her son and his wife tormented her every single day and night, and still resounding in her head;" I do not need you here, old lady. You became like a pain in the neck...I don't want to see you here again...go, go away and let us live our life. I can't stay with you under one roof; either you or me in this house."The(
omit the) poor Rachida, when remembering those words, put her hands on her ears trying not to hear them, but in vain for the sound was coming from her mind. Rachida's mind that night was swimming in the souvenirs of her past. A flashback took her to the delightful and luxurious life she was living as her husband was a wealthy businessman. But that blissful life didn't last forever. Its sparkle started dwindling with the great loss of her husband, Ahmed in a business affair. That loss rendered him sick as he spent his last weeks bedridden. Moreover, to make things worst (worse), her greedy son with the urge of his malicious wife seized the rest of the fortune for himself and threw his mother in a nurse home. Rachida woke up from a wonderous dream to find her life shifted from the highs of happiness to the depths of misery. But a mother's heart is always merciful. She forgave her son and ,with dwindling hopes, awaited for weeks to see him coming from that door, kissing her hand and taking her back home, but all her hopes came to nought (naught). There was an erasion of hope in her heart as despair found its way to her soul.

On the next morning with the first beams of the sun, the gardener went out to water some plants as usual. He glanced a woman lying under the lemon tree. He approached from her to recognize that she was Rachida, the new lady in the home. He called her but she didn't replay. He hurried to the administrator who came with the doctor who checked Rachida and said:" I am sorry, the lady had died." (
better say she’s gone)The administrator looked at Rachida who was (omit who was) still holding a picture in her hand and said with the tears streaming slowly from her eyes:"Finnally (finally) she closed her eyes to have some rest, but this time without opening them again." She took the picture from Rachida's hand and said:" Call her son and tell him that his mother had died (passed away), maybe he will come to see her for the last time."


Great story! I really like it, the description is vivid and the way it’s all written makes it a good one. Really hope to read more
Hush
Hush

Number of posts : 529
Age : 35
Location : Dreaming land
Registration date : 2008-09-17

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Post by Hush on Mon Jul 19, 2010 6:05 pm

Real love story


THIS story that I am going to tell u (you) now doesn't differ on (from) those love stories which (omit which) we knew (know),but there (is) something so special in it that no one can resist, it starts with my first cry, my first vision, my first walk, my first smile and laugh, it was simply the first and the last feeling, this story starts when i was a little girl discovers the anonymous world around me, i felt that someone is watching me everywhere i go, waching (watching) me in everything i do, i felt and sensed him completely, and i felt that he loves me so mutch (much), and he doesn't want me to suffer and to cry ,he was always with me as a shadaw (shadow), he helped me in many things so i couldn't stay without him any more (anymore) ,i loved him and i will always do .
days (
D) passed, i started to take him with me in all the places there wasn't a separation, i used to talk about him, to mention him ,to tell my friends about him in fact he liked that.
now iam a big girl, i grow up and he grew up with me, you know many things has changed ,problems start to be appearred (
started to appear) in my life and many other difficulties ,but i don't care since he is with me, and even (even if) i have all these problems and difficulties i still love him ,no one and nothing gonna (is going to) change this feeling because he loves me and help (helps) me ,isn't this such a beautiful thing he always stand up (stands) for me, i can't immagine (imagine) my life without him it will be oweful (awful) horrible and empty you know my father and my mother know about this, but they never tell me not to do this they never mind because he is the best thing that had happened for (to) me ever ,after all this (,) my parents decided to leave the country we live in ,to change the place not because of him but because of life ,so they were obliged ,and i was afraid ,and i thaught (thought) that this is the end of our love story ,finnaly (finally) sorrow invaded me and i drowned in my tears , something was killing my heart inside ,but he tells me don't cry i'll never ever leave you alone since you want me by your side, i will stay for you for ever (forever)and nothing can separate between us even death ,my happiness (the verb) back to me, and than i looked to the entire world and say with a loud voice: you are the first i loved and the last one.
this love story is between me and allah (
Allah) so love him as mutch (much) as u can there is no such a beautiful love story.

Thanks for the story. I just wanted to say there are some problems with form, be it spelling mistakes or problems with punctuation. In a story like this slang and informal words can’t be used neither. By the way that’s not really a story because it lacks the elements of the story, i.e. there’s no character development and no complex in it. I hope you’ll carry on and write better stories
Hush
Hush

Number of posts : 529
Age : 35
Location : Dreaming land
Registration date : 2008-09-17

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Post by Hush on Mon Jul 19, 2010 6:20 pm

Just One
Among Many

She did not stop turning around the house since the morning .She enters a room, stares at it for a long time ,and then goes out disappointed .Nothing changed in that room .The scattered carpets with dark colors are still in their places .The wooden table did not move also (
neither) .the walls’ color started to fade but they are still the same .They still hold the clock that turns and turns to steal by its movements every beautiful second in her life. She rushes to the backyard hoping to find something new ,but she finds nothing but the habitual things. Ramlia now feels like she is in prison .No ,more than that .At least in prison there are some people to talk with, some who we can unfold our feeling to .She feels like a taper in a rushing wind. Like a fish out of water.

After realizing that novelty in her house is a thing beyond hands .She crept to the roof to empty her charged energy with tears that seems to cry .She went there to express her feelings through the weakest arm she has . Ramlia ,the twenty one years (
year) old girl, in the land of dreams had planted her roots .She thought that one day she will blossom, she will sprout .But now she is nothing but a flower about to wither .After years of suffering she got her baccalaureate with very satisfactory marks. She dreamt always to go to university and experience new life that is beyond these walls .She wanted to meet new people ,to visit new places ,and to walk in her capital’s streets. She wanted to have a position in this society .To be a doctor , a teacher, or a nurse whatever ;the most important for her was to work ,and to be a positive member. But it seems that her father did not understand that .Without a mercy he cut her umbilical cord that connected her with life .He prevented her to finish ((from finishing) her studies and to go (from going) to the capital because it was a shame .he told her:" stop talking like clumsy girls . As people of Sahara and traditions, I can never let this happen .You can go but over my dead body .The place of woman is in the house serving her husband, and her children .We cannot go against traditions."

Oh traditions! What traditions that bury women, and their dreams in a cursed cemetery .What traditions that turns the angel of hope in their lives into a specter of despair. What cursed traditions that put the muzzle on their mouths to silence their voices forever.

She tried to defend herself but her father was deaf to her objections. Not only this ,he also decided to mary (
get her married)her to a man that is totally the contrary of what she once dreamt of. Si Ahmed is the son of the elder of the village, and their reputation is undeniable in all the surrounding areas .His family is very rich, and the fact that he asked the hand of Ramlia was a source of honor to her father .It would be madness if he refuses such a man. Si Ahmed felt in love with Ramlia from the first time his eyes fell on her beauty while she was going to high school. She was not really pretty but her features were very regular. Her dreamy dark eyes imprisoned him forever .He said :"such a beauty should never be in the streets, this beauty must be protected in my museum."

" Ramlia ,Ramlia please come downstairs your father is coming with your uncle Bachir (the father of Si Hmad)to ask your hand officially .Come on please we do not need more troubles ."her mother's voice came to cut her thoughts.

She wiped her bloodshot eyes from crying and went downstairs like a machine .Suddenly a voice in her ears whispered and said:" it is solely by risking life that freedom is obtained." This voice was like a magic spell .In a twinkle of eye that forlorn girl turned into a determined one .She opened the door to her father and without saluting them she said: "Oh father ,I love you ,and you are all I have. But in your world I cannot live .I’m a human being not a bomb about to explode so you have to control it all the time .I have dreams ,hopes ,and no one has the right to shape my life the way he wants .I do not want to get married with this (Si hmad) .All I want is to go to university and finish my studies otherwise instead of holding me to my groom’s house you will hold me on my hearse killed by your hideous authority .Because for me to die running after my dreams is better than being awake in a bitter reality."


Congratulations as well for this story. I won’t comment the theme or the vision but simply the form. The problem is with punctuation, it should be with the last letter of the last word, not with the coming word and we don’t write a coma after “and”. I just want to say , in my humble opinion, that too much adjectives and adverbs kill the story so better make smoother and sound more natural. I hope to read you soon
Hush
Hush

Number of posts : 529
Age : 35
Location : Dreaming land
Registration date : 2008-09-17

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Post by Hush on Mon Jul 19, 2010 6:25 pm

A Journey in the Toy Factory


Born and raised in an isolated place, Tony, a 16 years old (we say a 16 year old since you’re using that as an adjective and adjectives never take an “s”; we use years old when you say for example he is 16 years old) autistic teen, never got to experience what a normal teen would, robust happy, running everywhere as if a newly born lamb is released to pasture jumping around, stops when he sees you, to give a hug, call your name, give you (a) wink, then keeps running(better elide again). His disease will not let him distinguish the good from the bad, nor right from wrong, just acting for the need, disregarding the consequences, basically a four year old kid trapped in a body of a teen. When finally he settles down to play some computer games, particularly puzzles, you find yourself lost, trying to understand what he is doing is quite impossible due to his rapidity in solving puzzles, incredibly in no time unlike any other player.

His mother passed away of a rare disease leaving the whole responsibility on the father’s shoulders. (Tony mostly spends time with his aunt playing with his cousins; this sentence is useless here). His father, a successful busy man, tries( I guess should use the past simple) to spend time with his only son by taking him to the factory, it was a toy factory; Tony gets excited when he realizes that he is going there, running ahead to the car waiting to go (same problem with time usage, when relating a story always use the past simple). Along the road, each avenue, he could name it, he had a fascinating memory, his father sometimes relies on that to remind him of anything when needed if it were a meeting, a phone number of somebody, etc...( elide etc)

One day, on their arrival to the factory, as usual Tony starts jumping happily greeting the workers, calling them by their names, as if he have (has) been with them for a long time, they all loved him, such an innocent joyous boy, except for some worker there(some is used just with the plural, you can use except a worker or a given worker, or better a single one), who seems uncaring just wanting to finish the day. After a while, the father in hurry as if a million-dollar chance is waiting, ordering his son to stay there in the factory and that he will be back in no time. Tony directly goes to the office up-stairs not for anything except for his favourite pass-time, puzzles; he sits behind the desk, turns on the computer and never gets the bored or says enough until someone says it is. All the staff loved him( redundancy); someone even pampered him, and gave him a drink and cookies. The father promised to come in “no time”, arrived in a couple of hours later, checks if anything is okay, goes up-stairs to get some papers from the office, and in his way out of the factory he couldn’t find Tony where he left him. He asks the workers, they replied he was in the office, “no” he said “I was there a moment ago!”, where else he could be the father kept wondering. “...Nothing to worry about, sir” said the workers, “...The boy likes to explore the factory, he could be just anywhere inside here”, but no one found him, in fact no one noticed where he went at all. As time goes (went) by, which only added stress and despair, every moment passed meant that it is a serious situation; the father was going crazy, muttering, “Could it be that he’s kidnapped?..., maybe someone drugged him in a glass of water or something..., but why would anyone do that?...that’s absurd !!... I don’t think I have enemies!”. One of the workers, hesitated to step up, fearing he would be wrong, was thinking that the boy was kidnapped by his co-worker, the one who is always uncaring, suspecting he might have a hand in it. He was not sure, but he had a good reason to suspect him, because that worker used to be the brother of the former owner of the factory, “could it be that he got jealous, and wanted a ransom as a sort of vengeance?” He wondered. The father has never been so desperate, now after losing a wife, he cannot afford losing his only son; he could do nothing about it though, he felt (fell)on his knees desperately, regretting leaving his son, then everyone heard someone yawning, it was him, “Tony” everyone screamed happily, “where were you all this time?” They asked. Tony was asleep the whole time that is why he did not hear them. The father sighed in relief “thank God”, “where have you been son?”. The workers did not check everywhere actually, they left a room thinking it was closed, and that the boy cannot go there, but nothing would stop Tony because the poor kid was doing the only thing he ever loved: solving puzzles!

It’s really a nice story but could have a better ending cause we feel a bit disappointed by the end since it’s a kind of common. But nice, the choice of diction is ok, though try to avoid redundancy and unnecessary sentences. Write only what’s most important. Hope I will read you soon.
Hush
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Post by Hush on Mon Jul 19, 2010 6:28 pm

Sorry for the other's stories, I will try to work on them when I can have some time. Nice to read you all and wish you all the best.
Hush
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Post by bilinda on Mon Jul 19, 2010 6:33 pm

Thank you Hush very much for your time.
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Post by JOKER on Mon Jul 19, 2010 6:56 pm

I really appreciate it , thanks a lot , and may God help you
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Post by chinda on Mon Jul 19, 2010 7:28 pm

Thank you very much, Hush for the efforts you have made and the time you have devoted for our stories. May God reward you.
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Post by Londonhbb on Mon Jul 19, 2010 7:39 pm

It's really an awesome work beekeeper . Thnx a billion !
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Post by Guest on Mon Jul 19, 2010 8:34 pm

Thanks a million Hush, I'm very grateful for your given time to comment on our stories. I'll take your advices into consederation.

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Post by cookie on Mon Jul 19, 2010 8:46 pm

Thank you very much
i'll take your advices into consederation.
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Post by Big brother on Tue Jul 20, 2010 10:15 am

Salaam Alaikom & Greetings,

First, thanks a bundle for your comments, your opinion is highly appreciated and loved between all the forum members, no doubt about that.
But let me apologize also for not asking you myself to be a member of the jury,because i charged someone you know very well to ask you so, but due to unknown reasons i didn't see or contact him till now.
Sincerily, i would NEVER say that someone let us down, or let someone say so, because even in case you didn't agree i already prepared an apologize you and other teachers because i know that many of you didn't find time even to comb their hairs.

Once again,.......... Thank you.....appreciate you........., and love you for God's sake.



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Post by Hush on Sat Jul 31, 2010 1:36 am

The Seven Nights

One upon a time, Man’s heart decided to break the secrets of dream land (if it’s a proper noun then it should be capitalized) . He was armed with all what he needed in his long trip, he also took with him his two best friends, Man’s spirit and Man’s imagination. The time of their adventure was limited between sunset and sunrise; because the old wise-man told them that the dream land appears only in this duration(I don’t think duration fits). In the next evening, they agreed to start the trip with the sunset directly. After(a) long walk inside the dark forest, they met a fairy, and she asked them about their destination. No one answered till the man’s heart replied “To Dream Land my lady” Surprised, the fairy and ( elide and) answered them “Everyone passed on this way never came back, I advise you to go back homes because this trip need wise men not only courageous (you need a noun here or you can use ‘ones’ because the adjectives can’t stand alone and you can’t just elide the noun)” Man’s heart said ”we are ready for everything (anything that) can happen my lady” The beautiful fairy liked the big desire they had to reach their aim, she smiled and said “I can help you, advise you and show you the way of your trip” She gathered
them into her small dark cottage; “
look at the magic ball men, you have to pass seven nights, and each night will be full of ghosts, vampires and wild animals, so many difficulties will stand on your way, but your union, honesty, and belief in love are your arms against the devil”

At the first night, everyone put what the fairy said on his mind, they walked through the jungle till they found an old cemetery, a group of curious-men stopped and rained them by questions: “What are you doing here? Where are you going? From where did you come’’? The three men showed a big patient (use the noun patience and I am not sure we say big patience in English) , tried to continue the way but curious insisted until they knew the answers of their questions. For the sake of their noble aim, the men passed this step without making any troubles, and they learned that patient (patience) can be an arm to avoid crashing with curious people.

The second night, Man’s spirit felt tired and he could not walk(any) more, he asked his friends to continue the way without him, but no one from them listened to him. Jealousy, as usual wanted to break the relation between them and on man’s imagination ear said “Go, go, he will be ok, you are two and you won’t need him anymore” After a short silent (silence), man’s heart and man’s imagination remembered their agreement which was the (elide the) honesty. The braves smiled, and became happy because they broke jealousy by their honest union.

When the third night came, our great men found their selves crossed (can’t use a verb here) all the forest, but their aim, dream land ( capitalization) , was not found yet. A large land appeared to them, they stopped with astonished minds “We are lost, how will we find our way?! The land is spread, and we cannot even restrict our direction’’ In order to misguidance the courageous men, appeared Lie and Cheat (didn’t get the sentence) , two scary old men riding on mules, and together they said “We know what are you (you are, don’t invert since it’s not a question) looking for, your way is from there’’ stupidly, Lie adverted to the left and Cheat to the right. The poor three men lost the (elide the)hope, and in silent they set on the ground till man’s heart spoke ‘’Sitting here and thinking in solutions is better than if we followed the tricksters’’ Truth always defeat guile.

Came the fourth night, they decided to walk till they found something or someone gavethem flame of hope. After hundreds(no ‘s’ if you’re using it as an adjective) miles of walking, frustration and drowsiness floated on their thoughts, no one of them was able to find a solution, each one was saying in himself
May be it is better if we go back homes, our way is unknown, and we will be just victims for our dream.’’ Suddenly, stars started shining substantially. A soft wind was blowing trying to whisper something in their ears. The three men's dream was about to fall apart, but in a blink of an eye, a young, handsome man stood in their way and told them " Go forward young men, don't look behind your backs, put your dream in front of your eyes and never give up, come on, gather your courage and continue your way till you reach your target, don't let anyone or anything defeat you" said the young man in a warm voice, he was in fact, determination. The three men got up with a determination to fulfill their dream.


With the sunrise of the fifth day, the men found their selves on the border of the woods where a rocky land laid in front of them." How can we cross this land whereas we are dead tired...our feet can't hold us (any) more...our bodies are shaken because of tiredness...oh God! Your mercy God ", cried Spirit-man with desperation. They felt on the ground glaring to the rocks in front of them. In the midst of their desperation appeared a ragged man. The men saw in him their salvation, but he was Mr. Despair. He looked at the tired men and said with a husky voice:" Your dream is beyond hope, you are just running after a mirage, the land you are looking for exists just in your heart, imagination, and spirit... believe me, your attempts will come to nought (naught). For that try to forget this illusion and come back homes ".But the three men's heart started to beat with hope again, they knew that the man standing next to them is just Despair which should be defeated. They handed each other and said: We will not let you penetrate our hearts, Despair. (No full stop) our hope will guide us, and light the path under our feet to reach our dream."The three men knew that it was just hope which they needed. They stood up and stepped forward, looking to the bright unknown with hopeful eyes.

Day after day, the adventure became without an end as the men thought, because they didn’t find a choice, either go back, or continue the way. The darkness fell down on the sea and made it look like a cruel ghost, whereas they were thinking in (we don’t “think in” a solution) a solution. The Man’s heart suggested on (we don’t “suggest on”) them to build a boat, and after they finished building it, they knew that they had only to break confusion and bear confidence on their minds, held their breath and got in the boat, the wind pushed them into deep (either you say deep into the sea or into the depth of the sea) of the sea where their fate became under its mercy. The angry waves were shooting the wooden boat left and right, high and down till a strong staggering hit their boat and divided it to pieces. Spirit was the first who fell on the sea, later followed him Imagination, they were faint (why using the passive voice?)and lose their power. Lucky they were, because a small island was nearby them, man’s heart caught a piece of wood and pulled his friends to the beach, where they slept till the next night spread its dark lines. A strong shines(what’s a strong shines? And why the “s” since you have “a” ) appeared from the highest point on the small island which made one of the men woke up, he was astonished and woke up (awoke) his company “friends, we are alive, we are alive”they opened their eyes on that light and wondered what is that ?” Like that passed the sixth night and came in the seventh one.

At the seventh night, the braves stood up on their feet hardly, and curiously they walked towards the light. After they crossed the small forest, they found themselves in a wide yard, in a place looked like a piece on heaven, creatures from light were flying and surrounding a beautiful woman, she looked at the men with a wonderful smile and said “welcome on the dream Land, the virgin land which had seen (passive voice needs verb to be) for the first time by human being” she adverted by her magic stick to the heart, spirit and imagination men and by her magical power gathered them in shape of one handsome man. And she chose him to be her husband. Finally, they lived in big happiness together in the dream land.

I won’t comment on content but I want just to say there’s a problem with language, when we read it we don’t feel it’s English, too much expressions and structures that are not English and that might mean nothing to a native speaker. So my advice is to try to read more English books to acquire the English structure and don’t write sentences translated from Arabic because they don’t work. Wish you continuation
Hush
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Post by Hush on Sat Jul 31, 2010 1:54 am

For the story of the Haze, I found no mistakes and I really appreciate so much. Thank you Mulan* for sharing that story with us and wish to read you soon.
Hush
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Post by Hush on Sat Jul 31, 2010 1:57 am

I want you to move a step further and chose the winner of this competition. It's not fair to have one as a jury nor even two but I would like you all to be part of it. Let us vote for the best piece of writing. Every one of us will give his voice to a story (you have the right but to vote once and to just one story).

For me, though I liked most of them but I'll vote for Mulan's story.
Hush
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Post by w_ch on Sat Jul 31, 2010 9:57 pm

I have to say that it's really hard to choose which is better than which - All of them are considerably decent attempts. I have to congratulate you all for your efforts hoping that this is not the end of the road; I want us to launch the competition once again. I had to choose between two stories that I liked much and finally decided to give my voice to Mulan's. Thank you all!
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http://Ouadhah.cherifi@oup.com

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Post by Big brother on Sun Aug 01, 2010 3:16 am

I would like to thank all the participants for making this idea real, Than you ever so much^^.
Surely the competition will not stop here, but it will be launch sporadically, when circumstances permit , and i still INSIST on the teachers participatition as jury, and i'll do my best to fulfil that, though the idea of members' voting is good .
Blessed all you participants.

I need a second reading to vote

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